anxiety

I have anxiety and it sucks. I really need to fix it because it’s starting to make my life hell.

The thing that’s so frustrating is that I don’t really know what’s causing it. All I know is that my body wakes me up before my alarm for no clear reason, and I’m exhausted and terrified before my eyes are open. It’s a quarter past 6 in the morning and my heart is racing. I don’t know why. I haven’t formed a coherent thought and my chest is pounding.

This is how I start my day, I guess.

From there, I either lay in the fetal position and try to simultaneously wake up and calm down, or I shimmy behind my partner and clutch his blankets and try to breathe. It’s not fun and has been wreaking havoc on my stomach. My appetite has vanished and I’m getting weird cramps and sensations all the time. I’ve lost a lot of weight and it’s hard not to enjoy that. I like how I look more in the mirror as I waste away. The young girl in me who was raised to hate herself because of her weight would be thrilled to hear how successful starvation finally was.

I tried an SSRI and that worked. I slept better, I didn’t wake up anxious, and I was able to eat a meal. But I felt cognitively impaired and disconnected from reality. My partner didn’t recognize me. I was a zombie, but I felt like a human. And now that I’ve been on both sides. I hate that I ever took those pills. I was at my wit’s end in January, and it was easy so I did it. I liked it for awhile because it helped. Until it didn’t.

And now I’m suffering again.

But tomorrow is another day, and maybe finally ranting about it to the ether will help.

–jr